As of a week ago, this was my plan:
I was moving out of Carriage Cove in August (hooray!). I had three friends to move with, and we were going to find a condo or a house somewhere, preferably south Provo. I had signed a spring/summer extension for CC, which meant I would have awesomely cheap rent for four months. And since I had just paid off my car, I would have loads of extra cash I could use for playing. And saving. I would have four months of summer, during which I could keep myself from caring about the new boys, because I would soon be leaving. I could simply enjoy myself and not worry about whether there was any interest there. I would be moving soon to a new ward full of new guys and new girls and new social circles and new everything. Change would be abundant, and I was thrilled about that.
It's amazing how much can change in a mere week. Here are my current plans:
I am staying in CC through next April. That's eight months longer than I anticipated, giving me another solid year in this place (sigh). By the time this new contract is up, I will have lived at CC for three years and eight months. Since my contract is now April to April, the price of my summer rent went up. It's the price I'm used to paying, but not the price I was expecting to pay. I will still have plenty of cash for playing, but not quite as much as I was hoping to have. This does mean that I get to continue to be Cora and Brittany's roommate (minus the summer, since Cora is leaving me to live with her aunt. She somehow thinks free rent, utilities, and groceries is cooler than paying rent for the summer. Something about how saving money is important. Rubbish, in my opinion).
I'm very conflicted about this decision. I will have you know that staying in CC is the absolute right decision for me right now. The Lord kind of walloped me upside the head by making my original plans fall to pieces. Here's the problem:
I don't want to stay. At all. I've loved most of my time at CC, and I have met some incredible people here. The apartments are nice enough, I have my own room, and the pool/hot tub setup is pretty sweet. But I've been here for nearly three years, and another year feels like an eternity. I graduated from BYU in 2008, and I am ready to be out of student housing. The boys don't date. Well, not me, anyway. And they're young. Lots of people here are young. I'm now one of those older people that people reference when they say, "Yeah, there are a few older people in my ward."
The bottom line is that
I am craving change. I need it so bad right now. I thought my life was going to take a major turn for the better, and I was so looking forward to it. But now my life has course corrected to the exact same route I was hoping to leave. Why does the Lord insist upon keeping me at CC? What is it that I am supposed to learn from this place?
I have so many thoughts and feelings bobbing around my head:
- When signing my new contract, I felt the need to choose the one that would be the easiest to sell if that became necessary.
- I feel like CC and my current job are inseparably connected.
- I refuse to allow myself to think that the reason I'm still here is because of a boy.
- Part of me is hoping that Der Junge is the kind of guy who refuses to date in his own ward, so now that he's moving out, he'll realize he misses me and make a move.
- I have this nagging suspicion that come next April, my life will be exactly the same as it is now.
- Our current relief society president is moving out in August. I don't want to think about what that could mean for me.
I don't know if any of these thoughts actually mean something or if I'm trying to impose my own meaning on this incongruous decision I have made. Whatever the case, I'm simply hoping that there will come a time when I understand why I had to do this. I am going to do my best not to complain. Complaining doesn't leave much room for faith, and I refuse to resent the Lord for guiding me in the direction that's best for me. Because this will be best for me. I don't know how or why, but the Lord does, and I have to believe that.
