So Close!

Today is Friday, February 15. That means there are only four more days until I become Andralynn Conelly. I have a little over four hours left of work, and then I will be gone for two whole weeks. The past couple of weeks have been a little crazy. I had bridal showers and temple recommend interviews to attend, not to mention packing up my apartment and trying to get moved out. I was stressed and anxious, and my emotions were always close to the surface. Luckily, Andrew is amazing and simply lets me cry when I need to.

On Wednesday night, I went to the temple to take out my endowment. Let me just say that the temple is amazing. It was such a wonderful experience. My parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and my roommate were all there to support me, and while it was a small group, it was a good group. I felt the Spirit so strongly, and all my stresses and worries melted away. I have felt so much better the past two days, and it has been a real blessing. Being in the temple with Andrew made me so incredibly happy. He just kept grinning at me, and I can't wait to see just how much we'll both be grinning and crying when we enter the temple together again to be joined for time and all eternity.

And now, it is the weekend. The weekend before my wedding. Tomorrow, Andrew and I will pick up his parents from the airport and head to my mom's house for my family bridal shower. Monday we have our luncheon. And Tuesday . . . well, you all know what Tuesday is. Thursday we fly out to Washington. Saturday we have the open house in Tacoma. And Sunday, we fly out to Hawaii. I cannot wait.

I can't believe it's already so close. So close! A mere four days away. When we first got engaged, four and a half months seemed like an eternity. But it's here. The day is fast approaching when the rest of my life will finally start.

2012 Year in Review

2012 was such an eventful year that I thought I would post some of the highlights. And because this makes for a bit of a change from the regular resolutions posts.

JANUARY

Apartment 330 (and one Andrew Conelly) were put into my FHE group. I had no idea how significant this would become at the time.

FEBRUARY

Did this amazing alien balloon head dance with Cora and Brittany. Because we're amazing.

MARCH

Went shooting for FHE. It was my very first time.

APRIL

Met a duck at the park.

Was in a photoshoot.

Got a new hairdo.

MAY

Saw the Black Keys live, and it was loads of fun.

Saw the Civil Wars live. And they were amazing.

Got myself a boyfriend.

JUNE

Left my boyfriend for ten days to go to Disneyland with my family.

Saw the Avett Brothers live.

JULY

Turned 25 and got an amazing gift from my amazing boyfriend.

AUGUST

Saw Mumford & Sons live, which is where I decided I was in love with Andrew.

SEPTEMBER

Met Andrew's parents. And got engaged!

OCTOBER

Found my amazing wedding dress that I love oh so much.

NOVEMBER

Found an apartment for Andrew and me.

Celebrated Thanksgiving with my family.

DECEMBER

Took engagement photos.

Celebrated a wonderful Christmas with both of our families.

Is that a great year or what? I have no complaints. I can't believe how blessed I've been.

Babysitting

Last night, Andrew and I babysat my brother's two little ones. Ethan and Chloe were so excited to see us, and they didn't stop jumping for 15 minutes. They are such funny little kids.

But the best part of babysitting was when Chloe started asking Andrew for things and to do things and wanting to show him things. Without even being prompted, she called him "Uncle Andrew." And it melted my heart.

I can't wait to marry this man in 75 days.

Thanksgiving Day . . . wait, what day am I on again?

Okay, friends. I'm giving up on the daily posts. I know, I know, it's sad, and I'm a quitter, and blah blah blah. But let's be completely honest here. I haven't written a post in thirteen days. I have a week's worth of drafts saved, but for the rest, I'd have to think back to the specific days and postdate the posts and all that jazz. So, I'm giving up. I'm too busy for this. I'll still hopefully blog on occasion, but I've got other things on my mind. And I'd rather spend my evenings with Andrew than worrying about my daily post.

But that doesn't mean I'm not thankful for everything I have. As any reader is well aware, I am so thankful for my incredibly wonderful fiancé. He is amazing and so patient with me when I'm ornery, which has been more frequent than usual lately. Not because of him, though—he is always so understanding. When I just need to cry for some unknown reason, he doesn't question it. He just offers his shoulder and lets me cry. And then he talks to me so I can pinpoint what's wrong. I love him so much.

I am also thankful for my awesome family, which I got to see quite a bit over Thanksgiving. Andrew and I spent a few days at my parents' house, and it was fun to see my nieces and nephews and spend time with my family. It was a relaxing few days, and it was a much-needed break.

In other news, Andrew and I have an apartment! It's a basement apartment, and it has a lot of space. The kitchen, master bedroom, and master bathroom are huge. There are two bedrooms, so we should have plenty of room for all our crap. The family that owns the house and lives upstairs seems really nice, and I think it will be a good situation for us. I'm so happy that we have a place to live! Our own little space. I can't wait to move in and start making it our home.

There are a mere 84 days until I get married to the love of my life. That's a little less than three months. As of yesterday, we have been together for six months. And it's been six of the best months of my life. Really. I'm so happy. And although 84 days still seems like a long time, I know it will go fast. We take engagement photos this Saturday (and I am so excited!). We have a bazillion Christmas parties to attend during the next few weeks. Then it's Christmas and New Year's, when we can move Andrew and hopefully a good portion of my stuff into our apartment. Then I'll be taking bridals, and we'll be getting our announcements out. Then I'll have to worry about getting everything ready so I can take my endowments out. And then it's our wedding day! So when I think about it in terms of what still needs to be done, 84 days isn't long at all.

I apologize again that I fell short with my month of thanksgiving. But it's all in my heart, I promise.

Thanksgiving Day Thirteen

Tonight was a very low-key kind of night. Andrew wanted to play his new video game, and he told me he'd like some company, so I went to his place prepared with a book. I spent a good portion of the evening with my legs over his lap, reading my book while he played his game. That may sound boring to some, but I thought it was very nice.

So while I am thankful that Andrew and I go out and do things, I am also thankful that we are capable of doing our own things, and doing them together. I didn't necessarily need to have 100% of Andrew's attention tonight, but I wanted to be near him. He makes me happy, and I like knowing that he's near. When he had a break in his game, he would rub my leg, and I loved that little acknowledgement of my presence. I'm thankful that we're comfortable enough with each other that we can do our own things while still being together.

And yes, most of my thankful posts this year are going to be about Andrew. Because he's amazing, and I'm thankful for him every day. I'm marrying him in 97 days, so he's on my mind. All the time.

The Best Weekend of My Life

I know I'm a week and a half late in writing about this, but a proposal story is worth waiting for, right?

Andrew and I had been talking about marriage for a couple of weeks before he proposed. Little did I know that he had already looked at a ring before he even told me that he wanted to get married. He picked the ring out himself because he wanted it to be a surprise (and he made a phenomenal choice). But that meant that for two weeks, he tortured me with the knowledge that he had the ring and that I couldn't see it. To make it even worse, he told me had a picture of the ring on his phone. It took a lot for me not to steal his phone and take a peek.

All of that just made me suspicious of everything. I knew that Andrew had the ring and could propose at any time. But I also knew that his parents were coming down from Washington, and he wanted to tell them in person. So when he asked me if I wanted to drive the Alpine Loop, my first thought was, "He's going to propose." First of all, he planned it a week and a half in advance (we never plan things that far in advance), and he was super concerned about making sure that all of his camera equipment was functioning right so he could take pictures of us without having to set a timer and run into the picture. Plus, it seemed to be good timing with when his parents would be coming down. But, of course, I was never 100% sure, so I kept second-guessing myself.

Sunday morning rolled around. Andrew and I headed up the canyon, and he was nearly silent almost the whole way up. I have come to learn that Andrew gets really quiet when he's nervous, so I couldn't help but be even more suspicious.

I have to say that the colors of the trees were absolutely gorgeous. They were so vivid. Reds and yellows and oranges everywhere. We drove the Alpine Loop and just enjoyed the beauty for a while, and then Andrew pulled off at Cascade Springs. We wandered through the trails for a little while (carrying a bunch of Andrew's camera equipment) until we found a cute little bridge that seemed like a good spot for pictures. After setting his camera up to take pictures every few seconds, Andrew joined me on the bridge.

He didn't even pretend that he wasn't going to propose. He didn't turn and pose for the camera or do anything that would throw me off.

Instead, he pulled out a package of tissues because I had told him I would cry when he proposed. Then he got down on one knee, pulled out something sparkly, and asked me to marry him. I would tell you what he said, but I can't remember exactly because my brain was so full of, "Oh my gosh! This is really happening! Andrew is on one knee asking me to marry him!"

But I didn't forget to say the most important word: Yes.

I was so incredibly happy. But much to my surprise, I didn't cry. Andrew still gives me grief about that. But I can guarantee that he'll get all the tears he wants on our wedding day.

When Andrew stood up and hugged me, I could feel him shaking. He was so nervous even though he knew what my answer would be, and I thought it was the most adorable thing ever. Andrew is so sweet and so good to me.

I can't tell you just how happy I am right now. I am so blessed to have someone who loves me for who I am and who wants to spend the rest of eternity with me. Andrew is wonderful, and I will be eternally grateful that we got put in the same FHE group. Otherwise I might never have found out how amazing he is.

So on February 19, 2013, I will be marrying the man I love for time and all eternity. It's only 132 days away. And I cannot wait.

My Boyfriend Is Better than Your Boyfriend

Because he does things like send me flowers at work during a rather stressful week.

He's the best. Hands down. How did I get to be so lucky?

Closure

Last Saturday, Andrew and I went up to Magna to experience the Magna Arts Festival that takes place on Magna Main Street. Local vendors set up booths up and down the street to sell their wares. While it wasn't exactly the most thrilling festival, it was still fun to wander up and down the street and to show Andrew a little bit of what I grew up with.

Earlier last week, I had looked up a list of activities that were going on during the festival. There would be live bands playing all day, and to my slight dismay, I recognized the names of the first two bands. My ex plays in both of them. Magna Main isn't exactly big, and the prospect of coming face-to-face with my ex after over five years was borderline terrifying. I knew I was over that whole relationship and had been for a while, but knowing that I could possibly talk to the man who wreaked such havoc on my emotional well being for so long was freaking me out a little bit. My main solace was in knowing that if I did end up talking to my ex, I would have my current (and amazing) boyfriend by my side. The boyfriend who is absolutely everything that my ex never was. I wouldn't have to face it alone.

As we were wandering on Saturday, I could hear the music. I could hear the bass. And I was instantly reminded of how many times I had watched Mike perform in gigs. It was a little distracting to be constantly aware of just how close I was to seeing him. Andrew and I wandered down that way after the gig had ended, but when we got close enough to see the stage and the people setting up, Andrew steered me away. I had warned him of the situation, and I don't think he wanted to see Mike any more than I did. Either that or he just sensed my nerves.

But as Andrew and I headed in the opposite direction, my parents caught up to us, and my mom was determined to say hello to Mike. As she marched toward the stage, I held back for a second. And then I realized that I was okay. There was no reason not to talk to Mike. So I stood with Andrew as my mom hailed Mike. He came over. We said hello. We chatted for maybe five minutes.

It was weird.

But not because I suddenly felt a flood of emotions. Not because I was fighting to keep myself under control in the presence of the man who embodies all things that made me terrified of relationships for so long. It was weird because of how little I actually did feel. I looked at Mike, and obviously I recognized him. I recognized the scar on his finger because I was with him when he got it. I understood when he told me his fingers were bleeding from playing bass because I had seen it happen countless times before. I remembered a lot of the things we had done together. I even thought about how I used to feel about him, both the love and the anger. But . . . none of it mattered. He really had become just some guy that I knew a long time ago. (He was also talking like a responsible adult—he's been married for four years and holds a management position. That is definitely not the Mike I knew.)

As I walked away from this situation that I had contemplated for a long time (because every time I went home, I wondered if I would run into him), I thought about just how much I've grown since Mike was a part of my life. I thought about my life right now and how far I've come. I am a college graduate. I have a steady, full-time job in my field of study. I am completely independent, and I take care of myself. I have an amazingly wonderful boyfriend who treats me far, far better than I ever thought a man could be capable of treating a woman. And I am happier now than I think I have ever been.

I didn't realize it, but in going so long without so much as speaking to Mike left me without a full sense of closure. Now that we've crossed paths, I can effectively set aside everything that may have still been lingering. I've seen him face-to-face, and he holds absolutely nothing for me. Nothing. Everything that matters to me is in the here and now, and the past has nothing to do with it except that it led me here. Do you have any idea how wonderful that feels?

Quarter of a Century

Well, friends, I am now 25 years old. And let me tell you, the prospect of this birthday was not happy for me. For some reason, 25 just felt old. Which is ridiculous, I know. When people tell me that they're 25, my first thought is never, "Holy cow, that is super old." My first thought is actually something along the lines of, "Sweet! Someone my age!" But when it came time for me to turn 25, it felt old.

But I have to say that the five days I have been 25 have been kind of awesome. I have incredible friends, an incredible family, and an incredible boyfriend who helped me forget that 25 felt old and mostly just made me feel loved.

Brittany heart attacked my mirror. Someone heart attacked our apartment door. My boss decorated my desk and gave me banana bread. While I was at work, Brittany decorated our living room. (Did I mention that Brittany is probably the sweetest person I know? No? Well, she is.) Andrew took me out to a wonderful dinner.

And that was just my birthday itself. Can I brag a little bit about how amazing my boyfriend is? Let me chronicle everything Andrew did for me last week. Monday: Took me mini golfing and bought me ice cream. Tuesday: Gave me Batman Begins and The Dark Knight on blu-ray because he couldn't wait one more day to give me my present. Wednesday: Took me out to a nice restaurant and then gave me ice cream while we watched The Dark Knight. Thursday: Took me to see The Dark Knight Rises and bought me a bunch of movie snacks. Friday: Made me dinner (which is a regular occurrence). Saturday: Bought me a smoothie and took me shooting (though admittedly, I was a little tired, ornery, and whiney and didn't shoot much). And he can't stop talking about the other birthday present that he's going to make me (yes, make) that will be a little late because he doesn't have all the supplies yet. Does anyone else think I'm a little bit spoiled? Andrew treats me far better than I deserve. He's basically the best boyfriend ever.

In addition to all of that, my family had a little party for me on Saturday. Everyone but one sick nephew and his mom were there, including Cora, Jamie, and Andrew. I got presents and food, and we had fun talking and simply enjoying one another's company.

The whole week of my birthday was pretty awesome. My life is so good right now. It's such a nice change of pace after expending so much energy complaining about the things that I didn't have before. It wasn't that I wasn't happy; I was just frustrated about things. But as of right now, this very second, I am happy. So happy. I'm so incredibly blessed.

Interesting. Very interesting.

First of all, my vacation was fabulous. Excluding the day when my parents' rental care got broken into and two iPads, a Kindle, an iPhone, and a credit card were stolen. Not a good day. But the rest of the trip was wonderful and much needed. I loved spending time with my family, even though my nieces and nephews are crazy. Adorable, but crazy.

I was so happy to get home. And then, the night I got back to Provo, I dropped my phone in the toilet. Yes. That really happens, people, so watch out. I had to buy a new phone this morning, which sucked. A whole lot. But I will survive, and at least I now have another functioning phone. And most of my stuff was backed up, so I didn't even really lose anything. Hooray.

This post was not intended to be an update, however. I've just been thinking about some things lately. Ever since I started dating Andrew, I've been thinking about how interesting the whole situation is. I have been hanging out with Andrew since about January, when his apartment was put in my apartment's FHE group. Our apartments starting hanging out more and more, and we became good friends. I remember telling my roommates that I could see myself crushing on Andrew, but I never really let it develop.

So when Andrew suddenly started paying me more attention and asking me out the middle of May, it totally caught me off guard. I hadn't been looking in his direction at all at that point. There was none of the flirting and the wondering if he liked me and the agonizing over the minute details of our time together. And then he kept asking me out. And then he held my hand. And then he kissed me. He took everything out of my hands, which made things super easy for me. I didn't make any effort with him—I was simply myself. I didn't try to get him to make a move, I didn't play any games, I didn't spend my time wondering why he wasn't doing anything. When he first asked me out, I wasn't sure if I liked him. But then he swooped in with the full force of his gentlemanly charm and convinced me that he was worth it. And it worked.

It's such a stark contrast to everything with Der Junge. I did everything I could think of to get Der Junge to ask me out, barring simply telling him (because I'm chicken liver). I worked at that for months. And I would get so excited at the slightest sign of interest and so devastated at any sign of disinterest. I put so much effort into the possibility of a relationship, and it got me absolutely nowhere. It was incredibly frustrating.

So Andrew gets major kudos. He made the effort. He decided he wanted to be with me and he made it happen. In my mind, that is honest to goodness how things went down. And guess what? I am happy. I may have had my minor freak-outs because I wasn't sure if I was ready for a relationship, but I got over it. I'm having fun, and it's wonderful. This is how guys need to act in the dating world: Man up, ask a girl out, and convince her that you're worth her time. I'm not saying it will work every time, but hey, it worked for Andrew, so why couldn't it work for others too?

November

Day Forty-Three: The month you were happiest this year and why.

I've been thinking about this one a lot, trying to figure out which month of the last year I was happiest. It was pretty hard to decide, but the month I kept coming back to was November. For those who know how much crap went down in November, this may seem odd, but I'll explain myself, I promise.

So much happened in November. So, so much. A huge portion of it was not good, and it was the start of a few months of some crazy drama and stress. But at the same time, there was so much good. In the midst of trial, the Lord blessed me. I have never felt so loved as I did that month. I had so many friends step forward and help me out when they didn't have to. I attended the temple more often, and I felt that power in my life. 

November was also when I thought things with Der Junge had real promise. I'm not saying that my happiness is dependent on whether a guy is paying attention to me; I'm just saying that it helped peak my happiness, for sure. It was nice to know that someone seemed to have some kind of interest in me. I spent quite a bit of time with him, including the events at the Cocoa Bean. 

There was also quite a bit of social interaction in November. We threw parties and hung out with a lot of people. I had a lot of fun. It was a full month, with plenty of ups and downs, but there was so much good to hold on to. I have incredible people in my life, and pretty much all of November was a testament to that.

My Catharsis

Day Seventeen: A picture of something that makes you happy.

These are five of my eleven completed journals. I just started my twelfth. Yes, I do have a ton of journals, and I love that I have a ton of journals. I also love that each one of my journals is much different than the others. I have goofy journals (like the Beatles one on top) that last me a month, and I have the more sophisticated, leather journals that last me up to a year. 

I have had multiple people tell me that buying journals is a waste of money. They say I should just buy cheap notebooks because they work just as well, or to type up my entries on my computer. But cheap notebooks fall apart and don't last. (That's why they're cheap.) And I don't want to type my journals. I've tried that before, and I don't like it. The act of writing, physically writing, in my journal is incredibly cathartic for me. It's a release. It's something I need everyday. I honestly sleep better when I write out my feelings before bed. It's kind of weird, but it's true.

I freely admit that I am a little obsessed with journals. I may have spent $70 on journals a couple of weeks ago. (It was worth it, I promise.) So seeing a pile of journals that I filled with my own hand makes me really happy. I love seeing that.

The Way, the Truth, and the Life

Day Six: A photo of something/someone that has had the biggest impact on you.

There are so very many people and things that have had enormous impacts on me both for good and for ill. I have known absolutely amazing people throughout my life that have helped me learn and grow and become a better person. I have read books and watched movies that have completely changed my viewpoints on issues and have broadened my world. I have taken classes that have forced me out of my comfort zone and taught me how to live outside myself.

But today is Sunday, and I just taught a rather emotional Relief Society lesson about repentance and my Savior. Therefore, I think it appropriate to write about the person who has had the biggest impact on my life. That person is Jesus Christ. I believe with my whole heart that Christ is my Savior and that He died for me. He shed drops of blood from every pore so that I don't have to. If I but turn to him and use the Atonement in my everyday life, I won't have to face justice at the last day. The Savior will step in my place and be my advocate to the Father.

I honestly don't know where I would be without a knowledge of my Savior. There have been so many times in my life when I have felt completely lost and alone. When I have been confused and afraid. When I have been ashamed and humiliated. In each instance, the fact that I have a Savior who wants to hear all my concerns and fears has been an enormous comfort. I can't count how many times I have felt the love of my Savior and simply felt that everything will turn out okay. I have seen His tender mercies in my everyday life, and I can't say how much of a blessing that is.

The truth is that I never would have realized the importance of all the people and things that have impacted my life without the knowledge that a loving Savior and Heavenly Father are guiding my life. I have experienced things and gotten to know people for a reason. Everything always seems to work out when I trust in my Heavenly Father and I strive to do what He asks of me. No other person or thing could ever hope to have a bigger impact on my life.

My friends are the best.

Day Two: A picture of you and your friends.

Honest to goodness, I have so many incredible friends that one picture wouldn't suffice. Heck, these three pictures don't suffice. So many awesome people are left out because I am horrible at taking pictures at social events.

My roommates are incredible and have become some of my very best friends. My other girlfriends in the ward (of which there are pretty much only two) have become such good friends that I'm hoping to live with them next year. And the guys in my life never cease to entertain me. If any combination of my guy friends are around, whatever is going on is almost guaranteed to be exciting.

Honestly, I am so grateful that I have met such amazing people the past few months. Here's hoping that in the next few months, I can meet even more amazing people and grow even closer with the people I've already integrated into my life.

Giving Thanks Day 16: Laughter

Tonight I went out to Zupas with Cora, Kira, and Heather. I think it was a much-needed release of some pent-up emotions (at least for me and Cora) because we basically just laughed at everything, all night long. And it felt SO GOOD. It felt like it had been ages since I had laughed that hard. It was fabulous. The laughter continued when we watched Meet the Robinsons and then went over to Zach and Jon's apartment to watch Psych. I don't really watch Psych, and I honestly didn't pay too much attention to it, but Zach and Jon make me laugh all the time, which is why I like hanging out with them so much.

I'm so thankful for laughter. I know that sounds a little odd, but what kind of life would it be if there weren't things to be laughed at? I get so much enjoyment out of laughing, and I always feel so fulfilled after I've had a good guffaw. I love having to catch my breath after laughing so hard it hurts. It's such a release. I always feel infinitely better after I've had a good laugh.

Giving Thanks Day 2: The Temple

For the past couple of months, I've been feeling like I need to go to the temple. As time passed and I continued to not go, that feeling just got stronger and stronger. I knew I needed to go, but I always managed to find some excuse to stay home or do something else. Then last month my home teachers asked me to set a goal for the next month, and without hesitation, I said, "Temple attendance." I knew it was what I needed. Yet weeks still went by without accomplishing that goal.

But tonight I finally changed that. Brittany, Alison, and I went to the Provo Temple to do some baptisms. It was crazy busy. We were there for two hours to be confirmed twice and baptized once. There were some super giggly girls that couldn't seem to stop talking. We could hear the 12-year-olds in the dressing room. But despite all of that, it was still the temple. It was still the House of the Lord. I could still feel the Spirit more strongly than I can feel it anywhere else.

I went in with specific issues to pray for. I've been frustrated about some things lately and I needed some extra guidance. I didn't get a lightning-bolt answer tonight, but despite that, I feel calmer now. I know that the Lord is watching over me and that if I just listen, he will prompt me when I need to do something. I simply feel more content that things will work out and that I will be able to make the right decisions when I am in certain situations.

I am so incredibly grateful for the temple and for how accessible it is, especially here in Provo. It is a five-minute drive at most, and while it may take me two hours to go through the baptistry, it's a small price to pay for the peace and comfort I feel when I leave. I am so thankful that the Lord loves us enough to give us temples and to give us the opportunity to visit His House. I am determined to go much more often than I have been lately. I love how serene I feel, and serenity is definitely something I could use more of.

I Want to Get Lost

In a new city, a new place, with new people and new things and...and...and new everything. I want to live somewhere I haven't spent the last six years of my life. I want to live somewhere outside of Utah County, where pretty much every town is just like the last, and I know where to go for anything from Lehi to Spanish Fork. I want to get out of student housing and meet different people who are closer to me not only in age, but also in stage of life. I don't want to feel like I'm floating on the surface of a life that I no longer live, watching students go to class and do homework while I watch Netflix because I have nothing else to do with my evenings.

People try to convince me that Provo is the place to be for single Mormon twenty-somethings, but my experience has taught me otherwise. In six years, I have been on a handful of dates. I have come close to getting into relationships, but never made the full leap. Boys in Provo just don't seem to be interested in me, and I am fast losing interest in them. I'm ready to try my hand at the Mormon boys in other places.

I've had these ants in my pants before. I've felt the need to run away and do something different with my life. But the feeling never lasts. Some other Provo opportunity would present itself and I would grab it and feel satisfied. That's not happening this time. Ever since I first felt the itch, it has only gotten stronger. I don't know how much longer I can go without scratching.

It's hard to decide what to do, because moving someplace else requires a complete upheaval of my life. New job, new place, new friends. And right now, all that change is incredibly enticing, while also being absolutely terrifying. I don't usually deal well with change, but I am craving it more than I have ever craved it before.

I want the experience of getting my own place in a city I've never lived in before. I want to buy my own furniture, decorate my own apartment, dirty my own dishes, and clean up my own messes. I don't want a cleaning check nazi forcing me to scour places that never see the light of day. I want to feel like a legitimate grown-up, one who pays her own bills and comes home to an empty apartment because that apartment is hers and hers alone.

I would love to be able to come home after a rough day at work and know that my TV is ready and waiting for me without wondering if my roommates are watching something or cuddling with their boyfriends. I want my own bathroom where the shower curtain always stays closed and I don't have to clean hair out of the drain that isn't mine. I don't want to have to try to read a book while wondering when the guys across the courtyard are going to stop blasting their annoying music.

Don't get me wrong; I don't hate Provo. I don't hate my roommates. I don't regret that I've stayed in Provo for as long as I have. It's just time for me to leave. I need to be done with the student housing scene, and starting now, I am going to start taking the steps I need to take to make that happen.

Get Me to the Church on Time

Day 7: Your dream wedding.

I am a weird girl. I tell myself this often, and the wedding thing is yet another example of my weirdness. I don't have my wedding planned—not one bit. I don't know what colors I want, what I want my dress to look like, or what kind of cake I'll have. I have no idea what I want the reception to look like or what kind of food to serve.

There have been times when I have decided on a color scheme, and a couple of months later, I change my mind. There was a while when I knew I wanted a short dress, a really retro one with a swing skirt. Then I decided I wanted a more traditional, floor-length dress. Now I'm leaning toward the short dress again.

Regardless of all that, here is one thing I know I want for sure:

Fortunately, the one thing I know I want for certain is the most important part of the wedding. As long as I am kneeling across the altar in the temple across from the man I love with my whole heart, I don't care about anything else. As long as we are both making sacred covenants with each other and with the Lord, I don't care where my reception is. As long as we are both 150 percent committed to each other and to our covenants, I don't care what flowers are in my bouquet. 

Of course I want to have a nice reception. Of course I want to look beautiful. Of course I want my spouse to look handsome. But all of that only happens after the sacred ceremony in the temple. That is my dream wedding.

I Love Christmas

Christmas is probably my favorite time of year. I know a lot of people say that, especially little kids, but I still love Christmas. And as I have gotten older, I have realized that I love it more for different reasons. As a kid, I loved Christmas because of the presents (of course). Let's be honest, that's the reason every kid loves Christmas. However, I also loved the feeling that I got around Christmas. I don't think I fully understood what that feeling was, but I loved it nonetheless.

Dad always puts Christmas lights on the house. He loves making the house look festive because he loves this season just as much as I do. When I was little, I would fall asleep looking at the window, where I could see the red and green lights on the roof glowing through the blinds. I absolutely loved Christmas morning. Matt and I would usually be the first ones awake. We would go and wake up Chelly and Ben, then we'd go to the Christmas tree, which was always lit with white Christmas lights. It was dark outside, and we wouldn't turn on any other lights, so the living room was lit by the tree alone. I loved opening my stockings by the light of the tree.

Then, once we couldn't take it anymore, we'd finally get up the nerve to wake up Mom and Dad. They'd stumble out of bed (or tell us to wait twenty more minutes) and we'd all gather around the Christmas tree, wrapped in blankets. Dad would hand us gifts one by one and we'd unwrap them one at a time. As it grew lighter outside, the piles of gifts next to each of us kids grew larger, until we finally opened the last and biggest gift from Santa. Then we'd eat Christmas Morning Casserole (the only day of the year Mom ever makes it), play with some of our gifts, and, after opening more gifts at Grandma and Grandpa Brown's house, watch a movie or two.

I love these memories. I love remembering how I felt as a child and letting the excitement of Christmas engulf me again. I no longer wake up before dawn on Christmas morning or scour the house for gifts that Mom and Dad have hidden. It no longer feels like the month of December lasts an eternity. (Instead, it passes in the blink of an eye.) I no longer sit on Santa's knee and tell him what I want for Christmas, nor do I leave cookies and milk for Santa to eat. But it seems that no matter how old I get, Christmas is still special. I love Christmas lights and decorations. I love nativity scenes and advent calendars. And I still love seeing wrapped presents under the tree with my name on them.

But most of all, I love thinking of Christ. I love being able to mention Christ's name often, and to hear his name spoken often. I love knowing what this season is about. I love watching the excitement in little kids' eyes when I ask them what they asked Santa for. I love listening to Christmas music and feeling the importance of this time of year. I love singing in Christmas programs and feeling like I've contributed to the spirit of Christmas.

There is nothing like the feeling at Christmas. It is such a wonderful and peaceful spirit, and I only hope I can keep it in my heart all year 'round.

Being Thankful: Day Twenty-Eight

We had a fantastic Sacrament meeting today. There were a few minutes left before the end of the meeting, and Bishop Clark invited his son Cliff to bear his testimony. Cliff has Down syndrome, I believe, and he is amazing. He is constantly smiling and happy, and he gives out hugs like candy. He brightens the lives of everyone around him. Any time either of his parents mention him or his family over the pulpit, Cliff bursts into tears.

When Cliff got up to bear his testimony, you could feel the Spirit so strongly. It was obvious that Cliff believes in this church with such pure, childlike faith. He has no doubt that his Heavenly Father loves him and that he needs to obey in order to live with Heavenly Father again. Cliff also told the ward that he loved everyone there, and I am sure that each person in that room could feel the honesty in his words.

Bishop got up once Cliff was done and said, "Is there anyone in this room that doubts Cliff when he says he loves you?" And there wasn't.

If one person can fill a room with so much love, how much more can the Lord give? As powerful as the Spirit was when Cliff was speaking, the Lord is capable of infinitely more. I am so thankful to know that if I live my life according to His will, I can always feel His Spirit and His love for me. My Savior is amazing, and I am so thankful that I know of His sacrifice for me. What a blessing it is to know that no matter what I am going through here in mortality, there is always someone there who loves me. That is so amazing to know.