Monday, June 16, 2008


When I was at home for Father's Day this past weekend, I had this sudden urge to read my old journals. So, naturally, I started at the beginning. And I was amazed at what I found.

I was a nerd even then!

I used the word "whatsoever." What eleven-year-old says "whatsoever"? Especially in relation to the fact that there were no cute boys in my class. "None whatsoever." Good heavens, I was an odd child.

And then, a little further on, I noticed that I used the word "whom." Whom! Nobody uses "whom" now, let alone a twelve-year-old! My niece is twelve, and I don't even think she knows the word exists. I even used it correctly! (I checked, of course.)

And to top it all off, I wrote dialog. Whole conversations set in quotes, and punctuated properly. I know editing minors now who didn't know how to correctly punctuate dialog before college, and I was doing it at eleven.

I must have been destined to be an English major. With a brain like that, there's nothing else I could have done.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Let's Grow Up, Kids.

I don't understand why some people just can't leave high school. High school was probably the most awkward period of my life. Why would you want to stay there? The girls are catty, the boys are stupid, and life revolves around school. Sounds like so much fun!

I know so many people from my high school days who can't figure out how to move on with life. They went to college, but clung so hard to Magna and to their experiences there that they have never been able to really leave. Last night was a perfect illustration of these people to me, and made me realize how happy I am that I have grown up, moved on, and moved out.

Last night I went to an improv show at the community theater in my hometown. It was fun, I enjoyed myself, but I felt like I was back in high school, and I didn't like it. At all. Every one of the actors on stage were people that I knew in high school; some I went to high school with and others who were much older than me, but who still hung around the school. (I thought those people were weird when I was in high school--now I just think they're sad.) So now they spend all their free time at the theater instead of at the school. And the whole placed just reeked of high school: trying to impress people, proving their ability to be funny. It just made me sad that they have to revert to acting like high school kids to feel important.

The show was good, but everything from the people to the music to the jokes forcibly took me back to a place that I was all too happy to leave behind, and none too willing to return to. Sure, I had fun in high school, but being an adult is so much better. My relationships have more depth, my conversations have more meaning, and my life in general is more fulfilling.

So come on, kids. Let's grow up. Join us in the world of the adults. You won't regret it, I promise.

Monday, June 2, 2008


Failure is my biggest fear. As much as I like to tell myself that I'm more afraid of small places or spiders or heights, I think I'm lying to myself.

I think I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not always going to be the best at what I'm doing, especially at BYU where it often feels like your best just isn't good enough. But coming to grips with that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I want to be the best at everything I do, to know that I am doing quality work, that my best is not only adequate but more than enough. But all too often I feel like so many other people are better at what I want to do than I am, are much more qualified for the jobs I want than I am. It's an awful feeling to know that your chances of getting an internship are slim to none when compared with the people around you.

Take today, for instance. We had a workshop in my editing class. All I had to do was edit three of my classmates' papers. That's all. Should be right up my alley, right? This is what I want to do with the rest of my life. It should be easy.

And so I thought it would be. And so I thought it was. Until I sat down to discuss our edits with a group of other editing minors and I saw the amounts of edits they had on their copies of the papers. Gad, it was embarrassing! I listened to them talk about the changes that should be made and realized just how much I missed.

What if I'm truly not cut out for this field that I've chosen? What if I miss so many things in my first job that I get fired? What if I fall to pieces from the pressure of editing? These thoughts terrify me. I've planned on this profession for four years, came into college knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life, and those dreams haven't changed since. What am I supposed to do if this falls through?

I don't know, maybe my unswerving desire to be an editor is reason enough to keep plugging. Despite my insecurities and inadequacies, it's way too late to turn back now. I guess my only option is to step it up and make my best better.