Inadequacy

Failure is my biggest fear. As much as I like to tell myself that I'm more afraid of small places or spiders or heights, I think I'm lying to myself.

I think I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not always going to be the best at what I'm doing, especially at BYU where it often feels like your best just isn't good enough. But coming to grips with that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I want to be the best at everything I do, to know that I am doing quality work, that my best is not only adequate but more than enough. But all too often I feel like so many other people are better at what I want to do than I am, are much more qualified for the jobs I want than I am. It's an awful feeling to know that your chances of getting an internship are slim to none when compared with the people around you.

Take today, for instance. We had a workshop in my editing class. All I had to do was edit three of my classmates' papers. That's all. Should be right up my alley, right? This is what I want to do with the rest of my life. It should be easy.

And so I thought it would be. And so I thought it was. Until I sat down to discuss our edits with a group of other editing minors and I saw the amounts of edits they had on their copies of the papers. Gad, it was embarrassing! I listened to them talk about the changes that should be made and realized just how much I missed.

What if I'm truly not cut out for this field that I've chosen? What if I miss so many things in my first job that I get fired? What if I fall to pieces from the pressure of editing? These thoughts terrify me. I've planned on this profession for four years, came into college knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life, and those dreams haven't changed since. What am I supposed to do if this falls through?

I don't know, maybe my unswerving desire to be an editor is reason enough to keep plugging. Despite my insecurities and inadequacies, it's way too late to turn back now. I guess my only option is to step it up and make my best better.