I don't know that I want to get into this.

Day Thirty-Six: Something you can't seem to get over.

Uh oh . . . this question could open quite the can of worms. We'll see how deeply I decide to actually delve into this subject. I warn you now: this could become very much a woe-is-me post if I'm not careful, which is part of the reason I don't particularly want to get into a lot of detail. But this is the blog challenge I chose for myself, and I've been pretty honest in all of my other posts, so I guess I'll continue that trend.

The one thing that I just can't seem to get over is that I haven't been in a real, honest-to-goodness relationship in nearly five years. You read that right—FIVE YEARS. And if you think that's a long time (which you might not, I don't know), you can imagine how I feel having lived through it.

I know that some of that time is due to my disastrous first relationship. It has taken me a really long time to get over things, and I know that spills over into how people perceive me. People are usually more perceptive than I give them credit for, so I'm sure there were guys that avoided me because I seemed emotionally unavailable. And I was. I don't think I would have been a good partner for anybody—I'm pretty sure I would have been a jealous witch, and nobody wants that.

But I'm to a point in my life where I am ready to move on. I want to try my hand at being in a relationship that isn't dysfunctional. I want to see what it's like to be with someone who actually tries to make things work, and if they don't end up working, is man enough to talk to me about it if I haven't picked up on it already. Basically, I want a normal relationship. One that might end, which is okay, or that might not end, which is better.

Here's the issue: No one seems to be interested in me. At least not interested enough to pursue me. The only guy that seemed pretty serious about dating me was over two years ago, but I wasn't interested. That is the only case I can think of in the last five years when I have had a legitimate shot with someone, and I chose not to take it. There was another guy a little while after that who seemed interested, until he dropped off the face of the planet. That is two guys in five years that have taken real interest. Two. And neither of them actually turned into anything. It doesn't matter how hard I work to get the point across that I'm interested in someone—they never seem to take the hint. Or the nudge. Or the shove. It doesn't matter how obvious I am; I never get what I want. It doesn't matter how much I flirt; no one ever asks for my number.

While I know that it is ridiculous, I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me. Am I broken somehow? Is my emotional baggage so apparent that no one wants to touch this mess? Is there something about me that is abhorrent to guys? Am I ugly? (I hate it when that question pops into my mind, because I do know that I am not ugly. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but I'm not hideous either. But the question still nags.) Or am I simply too strong? too independent? too intelligent? If that's the case, then boys are stupid. Oh, wait. I already knew that.

So that's what I can't get over. I can't get over the fact that there have been so many guys in my life that have passed me by without a second glance. And I'm going to stop with the self-pity, because you know what? I'm awesome. I really am. I've got talents and hobbies and passions and dreams. I'm a good person. I'm a fun person. I'm a college graduate with a full-time job who is supporting herself. I've got everything going for me. People obviously like hanging out with me, so why the hell don't the guys just man up and ask me out? It's not that difficult!