Happiness

What is happiness? Is it working with amazing people in my field? Is it being published (finally) after years of working toward that goal? Is it knowing that I am fast on my way to becoming a successful, accomplished, independent woman in the workforce?

Is it basking in my newfound love of instrumental music? Or basking in my long-standing love of music in general? Or losing myself in books I've devoured over and over, enjoying them just as much the twentieth time as I did the first?

Is happiness knowing I have some specific talents that I love to share? Is it singing in an ensemble in Sacrament meeting, or singing a solo with my guitar at a talent show? Or is it singing at the very top of my lungs to "Wicked," or rocking out to Sherwood, or chilling to Harry Connick, Jr., on my way to my internship in Bluffdale?

How about playing Mario Kart or Tetris and talking trash and knowing it is all in good fun? Is that what happiness is? Is it eating massive amounts of frozen yogurt with fresh fruit and trying to throw my spoon in the light fixture seven times before finally succeeding? Is it playing charades boys against girls and soundly beating the boys?

Maybe happiness is knowing someone is interested in me, having the knowledge that to someone, at least, I am appealing. Maybe it is flirting and poking and teasing someone and having him flirt and poke and tease in response.

So what is sadness? Is it waking up to three inches of snow and a crappy commute on March 30? Is it watching $25 come out of my account every month for a gym membership when I've only worked out once in the past two weeks? Is it not sleeping on a Sunday night because tears were keeping me awake? Is it being on the verge of tears for three days and not really being able to formulate why? Is it wanting a friend to talk to about fears and frustrations and insecurities, but not knowing who, and not even knowing what to say? Is it knowing that I have so, so very much to be grateful for, to be happy about, but not feeling it?

Three questions asked once in Relief Society, and my answers:

Am I happy? Not particularly.

Can I feel the love of my Heavenly Father daily? No.

Am I optimistic about my future? Yes in some aspects, no in many others.

I need to fix something. Unfortunately, the hard part is figuring out what.