What the Heck?

This past week has been one of the worst weeks I've had in a very long time. And it's not even because of anything that happened. Well, BYU's loss tonight certainly didn't help, but that's definitely not the sole cause of my frustrations.

In fact, when looking at the actual events of this past week, it was a pretty good week. A trip to the library (which is awesome for me), I've kept up on my Book of Mormon reading goal, I found out that my favorite band is coming to Utah next month, I bought some cool Beatles stuff, and I got paid. Not a bad week at all. But my emotions certainly haven't reflected that.

I don't think I have ever been as discouraged as I have been lately. At the beginning of the week, I felt awesome. But that awesomeness dwindled pretty quickly. I felt calmer and more peaceful for about three days, and then—WHAM!—the dejection hit. I kept thinking about my life and where I am right now, and I didn't like it. What am I doing with my life? Nothing. I'm not working towards anything.

I have a good job that I like, but unfortunately, right now it's only a part-time job. I need more than that, but I have no idea where to look for editing positions, so I'm not even really trying. I'm not going to school anymore, so I'm not working toward any kind of degree. And I'm not dating anyone, so I've got nothing going on in the personal life department. Heck, I don't even feel like I have many friends right now. I barely see any of my old friends, and I still haven't made any new friends in my new complex, besides my roommates (who are awesome, it's true). If it wasn't for Faith and Cora, I would play less than I do even now.

So what am I supposed to do with myself? I feel like doing something different everyday. For a while, I was convinced that I was going to run away to England (seriously). Then I was thinking about grad school (in England or the States). Then I was convinced I should go on a mission. Then I decided I should just move out of Provo and get away from the student environment. But none of the decisions stick or feel right for more than a day or two.

And then there's this whole being single thing. I know I'm still young, I know I shouldn't worry about it yet, I know that things take time and I should be patient, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. It has been a really long time since I've been in any kind of relationship, and the time is wearing on me. I'm at a complete loss as to how people get together . . . how exactly do two people go from being acquaintances to being in a relationship? It baffles me. I can't figure it out. Apparently.

The bottom line is that I feel like I'm just waiting for life to happen. (Thanks, Megan, for putting that into words for me.) I'm sitting around with nothing to do, waiting for life to jump out at me. I want more than anything to do something, anything, to go out and jump at life, but that's where the discouragement comes in: I have no idea what I should do. Everything seems wrong, so I guess I'm stuck waiting for now. Which is more frustrating than anything else.