Needful

"She said, 'If we're gonna make this work,
you gotta let me inside, even though it hurts.
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see.'
She said, 'Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be.
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me.'"
-- "Whatever it Takes" by Lifehouse

There have been some discussions of late that have gotten me thinking. One of these discussions brought on a blog post from my friend Maren about how relatively easy it is for her to open up and share her feelings with people around her. Which got me thinking about what I do to open up to people. I feel like the lyrics from this song describe almost perfectly how I feel.

I feel like I used to be the kind of person who would wear her heart on her sleeve. It didn't bother me for people to know what I was thinking all the time. I cried a lot, about little things. When my boyfriend broke up with me my senior year of high school, I spent a full three days crying. Everybody knew that something was wrong, and I wanted everybody to know, because then I could talk about it and get it off my chest.

But now I think I have gone to the other extreme. I tend to bottle up my emotions. My roommates and close friends can probably tell when something is bothering me or something is wrong, but I don't usually talk about it much and I don't cry anymore. Even when I want to cry, I can't. It won't come. I feel like I'm broken.

I've been trying to figure out what has changed in me, what has caused me to be this way. And I think I've figured at least part of it out. I don't like feeling dependent on people. I don't like feeling like I absolutely need someone in my life. I like being independent because it means that I don't have to trust anybody. When I trust people (guys in particular) I get burned. Trusting requires so much emotion and so much effort. So if I don't trust anyone, that means I won't get hurt. I am the only person I know who is completely trustworthy.

I made this connection about a week ago. I had a conversation that left me frazzled and a little upset, so I asked one of my guy friends for a hug. And just that simple thing was incredibly difficult for me. I felt so needy, and I hated it. I didn't want him thinking I was some whiny girl who couldn't handle anything on her own. I'm strong and I know it. But after he gave me the hug, we talked a little bit, and I realized just how good it feels to talk, to open up to someone. And it scared me, because suddenly I felt vulnerable. I wanted to open up to him, to let him in, to trust him, but I didn't know how to do it. I didn't want to put myself in his hands. Because if I did that, I would be taking down some of my wall and opening myself up to betrayal and hurt again.

But I keep thinking about it, and the more I think about it, the more I want to let that friend in. I want to know that I can trust someone with a part of myself without him taking advantage of me and abusing that privilege. My walls need to come down, and I know that. But I need help in taking them down and I don't know where to turn.