Are You Afraid?

Well, are you? Because you should be. Of the movie Twilight, that is.

Before I begin my tirade, I should let you know a couple things. I did read the novels, and I did enjoy them. No, I do not think they are the greatest books ever written (far, far from it, in fact), but they are entertaining and fun. So this review does not come from a Twilight hater.

I spent a grand total of $1.75 on this movie. At least, I will once I pay Jonathan back. And it was a complete waste of my $1.75. I could have bought a burger at Wendy's with that. Or seven candy bars at work. Or even better, a pack of gum. Instead, I saw Twilight at the dollar theater. Why? Because I was told it was terrible and wanted to see for myself. Take it from me, don't assuage your curiosity. It was terrible.

The whole thing was just ridiculous. How many close-up shots of eyes can you have in one scene? I understood the point of it. The Cullens' eyes are golden because they're vegetarians. The other vampires' eyes are red because they're not. It's important. But find another way to portray it.

And the sparkly Edward? Really? Come on. Seriously? He did not shine like diamonds, that's for sure. He shined like fish skin. It was rather gross looking, to be honest. Not at all what I was expecting.

Edward and Bella had absolutely no chemistry. None. The slow kisses were supposed to build the sexual tension, but all they did was make it awkward. And the meadow scene? Ugh, don't get me started. It was painful. Absolutely painful. Painful to the point that I felt bad for the actors. "Say it. Out loud." Who would ever say that? "Are you afraid?" "Only of losing you." Ugh. Gag me. With a pitchfork. Please. It would have been more enjoyable than sitting through this movie.

Okay, so that's an exaggeration. But you get my point.

I could continue. I could continue for a long time. But a lot of my complaints have already been voiced in Jonathan's post from a couple months ago. So if you want to read a scathing review by a film person, read that.

And if you have already subjected yourself to this movie, watch this clip.