Look, it's me!

Day Forty-Four: A picture of yourself.

Well, friends, this is the last post of my random 44-day blog challenge. And here is a picture of myself. Super exciting, right? Oh yeah. This has been a fun challenge, though. I've enjoyed writing all these random posts. I do apologize for how many times I've backdated my posts—you might want to go back through and make sure you caught everything on the days I was writing four posts at once. Here's hoping I can keep up the blogging at least semi-regularly from now on.

November

Day Forty-Three: The month you were happiest this year and why.

I've been thinking about this one a lot, trying to figure out which month of the last year I was happiest. It was pretty hard to decide, but the month I kept coming back to was November. For those who know how much crap went down in November, this may seem odd, but I'll explain myself, I promise.

So much happened in November. So, so much. A huge portion of it was not good, and it was the start of a few months of some crazy drama and stress. But at the same time, there was so much good. In the midst of trial, the Lord blessed me. I have never felt so loved as I did that month. I had so many friends step forward and help me out when they didn't have to. I attended the temple more often, and I felt that power in my life. 

November was also when I thought things with Der Junge had real promise. I'm not saying that my happiness is dependent on whether a guy is paying attention to me; I'm just saying that it helped peak my happiness, for sure. It was nice to know that someone seemed to have some kind of interest in me. I spent quite a bit of time with him, including the events at the Cocoa Bean. 

There was also quite a bit of social interaction in November. We threw parties and hung out with a lot of people. I had a lot of fun. It was a full month, with plenty of ups and downs, but there was so much good to hold on to. I have incredible people in my life, and pretty much all of November was a testament to that.

I was the only wanted one.

Day Forty-Two: Talk about your siblings.

My siblings are kind of awesome. I am the youngest of five, though I've only known three of my siblings in this life. Here's a little bit about each of them.

Ben

Ben and his family.

Ben is my oldest brother. He's a goober. I love hanging out with him because he's always cracking jokes and using goofy voices and accents. It's fun to watch him play with his kids and see how much he loves each of them. I feel like my relationship with Ben has gotten stronger since I've been an adult, simply because he always seemed so much older, so as a kid it was sometimes hard to relate to him. It's kind of fun to see how relationships change as you get older. Ben is always willing to help me with anything I need, whether it be computer issues or advice about something that's bugging me. 

Bobby

Bobby was born a little over 11 months after Ben. Crazy, right? My mom had two kids at 20. I still don't know how her body handled that. This may sound a little cheesy, but I like to think of Bobby as my guardian angel, in a way. He was hit and killed by a car when he was 19 months old, so I never knew him in this life. But I knew him in the premortal life, and the love I have for him is just as real as the love I have for my living siblings. I have felt Bobby's presence in my life, and I know that he is interested in what I am doing. Family ties aren't just for this life. They are eternal, and no matter what, Bob will always be my big brother.

Chelly

Chelly and her two beautiful girls. (I probably should have chosen a picture with her husband in it too, but I love this picture too much not to use it.)

Chelly is my only sister (by blood, anyway). Growing up, Chelly always made me feel wanted and loved. I was always included in things she was doing, even if I was an awkward 14-year-old and she was hanging out with her college-aged friends. Anytime I was feeling down on myself, which happened more often than it should have, Chelly did her best to bring me back up. We never really fought growing up, which is probably thanks to the five-year age gap. As we have gotten older, our relationship has only strengthened. I consider Chelly to be one of my very best friends. I can talk to her about anything, and I know I will get good, honest advice when I need it. She is also hilarious, which makes her that much more fun to be around.

Matt

Matt and his adorable family.

Matt is the sibling I fought with the most. He is the closest in age to me, though there are still four years between us. We just always managed to find something to argue about. But then he would bribe me into going shopping with him by buying me food. Matt is a dork. I always like spending time with him because he's easy to talk to, and he gives good advice. He is incredibly protective of me and always has been, so he likes to know my business. Which is fine because that's how he shows me that he loves me. He's always willing to help me out with whatever I need, and he's always available to talk to when I need it. Like Chelly and Ben, Matt is also pretty dang funny. 

I love my siblings so much, and I'm so grateful that I have such a good relationship with all of them. I don't see them as often as I would like to, but I know that they are always there if I need something. My relationship with all of them has only strengthened as we have gotten older, and I love that. I love that we can call each other friends now as well as siblings. We may still get in some arguments, but I don't think that aspect of sibling rivalry ever goes away. And regardless of any arguments we might have, I never question their love for me or my love for them. I couldn't ask for a better family than the one I have.

I Belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Day Forty-One: Your religious beliefs.

I know most people who read my blog are probably of the same faith as I am, but I'll do a little outline of my religious beliefs anyway. The blog challenge's wish is my command, after all.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The members are sometimes also known as Mormons because we believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. We believe that in 1820, 14-year-old Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees to pray about which church to join. As an answer to his prayer, God the Father and Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph Smith and told him that he should join none of them, for none of them had the full truth of the Gospel. Throughout the next ten years, Joseph Smith received revelations, obtained and translated the golden plates that contained the Book of Mormon, and restored the true church upon the earth once again.

We believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior and the Redeemer of the world. This is the most important aspect of the Gospel. Christ is the center of it all. He was sent to earth by our Father in Heaven to atone for our sins in the garden of Gethsemane. He was to die on the cross and then be resurrected three days later so that all men might conquer death. Because of Christ's atonement, everyone can repent and turn unto Him, and thus receive eternal life. Christ is the great Mediator, and it is through His grace that we are saved, but only after we do all that we can do in this life to follow Him. 

God the Father is my Father. I am His child, and I am therefore of divine worth. He loves me. He knows who I am. He wants me to return to Him. He has a plan for me, and as long as I remain faithful, He will guide me through that plan and I will gain all that He has in store for me. 

I believe that Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are three distinct and separate individuals. They are one in that they all share the same purpose, but they are physically separate beings. In that aspect, Mormons very much differ from traditional Christianity.

As a Mormon, I also believe in personal revelation. God speaks to me through the gift of the Holy Ghost. I have felt that power in my life multiple times. Through this same power, Heavenly Father speaks to modern-day prophets, who are called in this day and age to guide the modern Church through these turbulent times. 

There is so much more that I believe in as a Latter-day Saint. There are temple ordinances, the power of the priesthood, eternal families, the three kingdoms of heaven, resurrection, so much more to the Atonement, tithing and fast offerings, and so on. I could write pages and pages about what exactly I believe, but I simply don't have time. If anyone who doesn't understand my beliefs already comes across this blog, go to mormon.org. All the information you need is there. 

Another thing that I want everyone to know: I believe with my whole heart that I belong to the true church. Jesus Christ is my Savior. He died for me, for my individual sins and sorrows and infirmities, which means He is the only person who can fully and completely understand everything I go through. He is the one who knows best how to succor me and comfort me and help me. He is the best friend I could ever have, and I can't tell you how incredibly grateful I am for the knowledge I have of Him, and most especially for the personal relationship I have developed with Him. I love Him, and I love His Gospel.

Pretty straightforward, I think.

Day Forty: 10 ways to win your heart.

I'm really not a very difficult person to figure out. This list will probably emphasize that point really well.

1. Musical talents will always take the number-one spot here. Singing to me while playing the guitar/piano/other awesome musical instrument is the absolute fastest way to my heart.
2. Humor generally takes number two. If a guy makes me laugh, I am much more likely to fall for him.
3. A man who is a worthy priesthood holder who does what he is asked to do by serving and magnifying his calling is very attractive.
4. Seeing a guy play with kids melts my heart, no doubt about it.
5. A guy who forces himself through my walls is a winner. My walls aren't particularly difficult to tear down, but if a guy makes the effort, it says a whole lot about him.
6. If a guy notices that something is wrong (whether I'm just having a bad day or I really need someone's help) without being nudged, I will take notice. Someone who goes out of his way to make sure I'm okay is someone I want to spend time with.
7. My family has a very particular sense of humor, and if he can hold his own with them, it means he's a good one.
8. I love good, deep conversation. When I have a conversation with a guy that is about more than sports or movies, and that flows well without awkwardness, I'm in seventh heaven.
9. I am a little bit of a sucker for guys who are kind of nerdy. Not scary nerdy—just a little nerdy. I like seeing guys with quirks, who like things that aren't completely mainstream or that are a little dorky. It's fun.
10. I need a man who is completely trustworthy. Any man who wins my trust (or has it inherently) is a good man.

This was more difficult than it seemed.

Day Thirty-Nine: Things you want to say to five different people.

Ooooh, this could be interesting. Here goes nothing.

1. Der Junge: In case you didn't already know, I'm interested in you. (And seriously, if you didn't already know this, you are blind as a friggin' bat.) I don't necessarily need you to be sure you want to date me (though I wouldn't mind it one bit), but would it hurt you to give me a shot? How about you just ask me on one little date (it can be inexpensive, or even free, I don't care) and spend the evening deciding if you could see yourself dating me? I know for a fact that you don't know what you want. So give me a shot and find out for sure if I fit your qualifications. All I'm asking for is a chance. This isn't a marriage proposal. It's one date. 
2. The "Party Apartment": I know you girls think you're all that and a bag of chips because you have lots of parties and always have boys over at your apartment. But really, it's just kind of obnoxious. You're not the "party apartment" of the ward, as you have dubbed yourselves. Many of us in the complex have parties and invite people over—you're not the only ones capable of being social. And most of the people that you invite over started their socialness in this ward by hanging out with my apartment. So stop acting like you're God's gift to the 192nd ward. You're kind of just sweeping up our sloppy seconds. (Sorry . . . that was catty, I know. But these girls drive me up a wall. Holy cow.)
3. John Paul White: I love you. I really do. I know you're married and you have long hair and you have lots of tattoos, but I love you. And it's not just because you look a whole heckuva lot like Johnny Depp. It's because your lyrics speak to me and your voice makes me absolutely melt. I am entranced by your guitar because you make it look like an extension of your arms. You play with no difficulty, and I ache to have that kind of talent. You sing while playing intricate melodies and thumping rhythms, and I'm baffled as to how you keep it all straight. It would be one of the best nights of my life if at your concert in May I could actually meet you and tell you a small part of this in person.
4. President Dieter F. Uchtdort: Thank you so, so much for pretty much every talk you have ever given in conference. There is something about your persona and your voice that I can relate to. Your soothing voice is a comfort to me, and you always manage to say exactly what I need to hear. I especially thank you for your "Forget Me Not" talk at women's conference. Being in the same room with you made your words that much more powerful. When you evoked the authority of your priesthood office and proclaimed that I am not forgotten by my Father in Heaven, chills coursed through my body. I could feel in the depths of my soul the truthfulness of your words. The Spirit spoke to me very clearly and emphasized your point. It is a lesson that I very much needed, and I will forever be grateful to you for providing it.
5. Coach Dave Rose: You, sir, are amazing. You have eclipsed 20 wins for the seventh season in a row, which is each one of the seasons you have coached basketball at BYU. That is absolutely incredible. You managed to achieve your 100th home victory before reaching even 10 home losses. You somehow succeeded in managing the insanity that was Jimmermania. After losing your best offensive player and your best defensive player, you still created a competitive team. I have only recently started paying really close attention to BYU hoops, and I have to say that it has a whole lot to do with you. Jimmer and Jackson may have been the shiny objects that caught my eye, but it didn't take me long to realize who was really behind the success. For the sake of every BYU hoops fan everywhere, please stay. Please stay for a really, really long time. 

Okay, that was a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I covered boys, people I don't like, music, church, and sports, so I call this post a success.

What if . . .

Day Thirty-Eight: Something you always wonder "what if . . . " about.

Oh man, there are so many of these. But there is one that generally comes to mind first. First, I must apologize that this, once again, hails back to my ex. What is the deal with this blog challenge? Why does it keep bringing up bad memories? My goodness. I'm really not hung up on this, I promise. It just happens to be what applies to a lot of these topics.

My main "what if" is this: What if I had let my first breakup with The Ex stick instead of getting back together with him? How would the rest of my senior year and my first two years of college been different? Would I have dated other guys? Would I have saved myself two and a half years of emotional turmoil?

Well, I can tell you that the last two probably would have been true. I wouldn't have had to go through everything that transpired after high school, which was a lot. My senior year of high school was hard enough, and I made everything worse on myself by not accepting the fact that my boyfriend had broken up with me. Instead, I dogged his footsteps. I made sure I was where he was as often as I could, which was easy, since we had a ton of classes together and were in the musical. I guess I eventually wore him down and we ended up dating again. And that is the worst mistake I made in the whole sordid affair. I still wish I had just let it go. 

But I didn't, and there are scadwads of things that I learned about life and myself and relationships because of that decision. And I'm truly grateful for all of those lessons I learned and how they have helped me the past few years. Getting over things was hard, but it was worth it to get where I am today. I'm truly happy with myself and the things I've accomplished. I have many things yet to do and to learn, but I have made so much progress already.

More Lists!

Day Thirty-Seven: 10 things about you people don't really expect.

1. My sports knowledge
2. My ability to be not awkward in legitimately awkward situations
3. My ability to sing and play the piano (at the same time)
4. My sarcasm
5. My sometimes inappropriate sense of humor
6. How open I am about things that other people think are embarrassing (for example, talking about sex—the topic really doesn't bug me, as long as we're not going into major specifics, which is when it gets awkward)
7. My varied taste in music
8. My dislike of chocolate
9. That I dated someone for four years
10. My love of concerts

p.s. This was hard, so some of the items are there because I can remember one specific instance when someone was surprised by them.

I don't know that I want to get into this.

Day Thirty-Six: Something you can't seem to get over.

Uh oh . . . this question could open quite the can of worms. We'll see how deeply I decide to actually delve into this subject. I warn you now: this could become very much a woe-is-me post if I'm not careful, which is part of the reason I don't particularly want to get into a lot of detail. But this is the blog challenge I chose for myself, and I've been pretty honest in all of my other posts, so I guess I'll continue that trend.

The one thing that I just can't seem to get over is that I haven't been in a real, honest-to-goodness relationship in nearly five years. You read that right—FIVE YEARS. And if you think that's a long time (which you might not, I don't know), you can imagine how I feel having lived through it.

I know that some of that time is due to my disastrous first relationship. It has taken me a really long time to get over things, and I know that spills over into how people perceive me. People are usually more perceptive than I give them credit for, so I'm sure there were guys that avoided me because I seemed emotionally unavailable. And I was. I don't think I would have been a good partner for anybody—I'm pretty sure I would have been a jealous witch, and nobody wants that.

But I'm to a point in my life where I am ready to move on. I want to try my hand at being in a relationship that isn't dysfunctional. I want to see what it's like to be with someone who actually tries to make things work, and if they don't end up working, is man enough to talk to me about it if I haven't picked up on it already. Basically, I want a normal relationship. One that might end, which is okay, or that might not end, which is better.

Here's the issue: No one seems to be interested in me. At least not interested enough to pursue me. The only guy that seemed pretty serious about dating me was over two years ago, but I wasn't interested. That is the only case I can think of in the last five years when I have had a legitimate shot with someone, and I chose not to take it. There was another guy a little while after that who seemed interested, until he dropped off the face of the planet. That is two guys in five years that have taken real interest. Two. And neither of them actually turned into anything. It doesn't matter how hard I work to get the point across that I'm interested in someone—they never seem to take the hint. Or the nudge. Or the shove. It doesn't matter how obvious I am; I never get what I want. It doesn't matter how much I flirt; no one ever asks for my number.

While I know that it is ridiculous, I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me. Am I broken somehow? Is my emotional baggage so apparent that no one wants to touch this mess? Is there something about me that is abhorrent to guys? Am I ugly? (I hate it when that question pops into my mind, because I do know that I am not ugly. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but I'm not hideous either. But the question still nags.) Or am I simply too strong? too independent? too intelligent? If that's the case, then boys are stupid. Oh, wait. I already knew that.

So that's what I can't get over. I can't get over the fact that there have been so many guys in my life that have passed me by without a second glance. And I'm going to stop with the self-pity, because you know what? I'm awesome. I really am. I've got talents and hobbies and passions and dreams. I'm a good person. I'm a fun person. I'm a college graduate with a full-time job who is supporting herself. I've got everything going for me. People obviously like hanging out with me, so why the hell don't the guys just man up and ask me out? It's not that difficult!

I don't remember...

Day Thirty-Five: The last argument you had.

Honest to goodness, I can't remember the last real argument I had. I don't really have arguments with people, I don't think. When I lived at home, I argued with my brothers a lot. But that's because they're my brothers. That's kind of to be expected. Though I didn't really argue with my sister . . . unless I messed up our room after she had cleaned it.

Anyway, I don't really argue with people. I get worked up about things, sure, and if I think I'm right, you better believe you're going to hear about it. I probably argue more than I think I do, though I do my best to watch myself. Especially if I'm getting worked up about things that don't matter. Which happens on occasion.

I have awesome roommates right now, so I have no reason to argue with them. Cora and I may get annoyed with each other on occasion, but we don't really argue. We just go to our rooms and stop talking for a day. We're usually fine the next day. If Cora and I seem like we are actually arguing, it's probably sarcastic. We have a tendency to yell at each other just because we want to. Or have a ridiculous argument just because it's funny. So don't take any of our arguments too seriously—if you wait long enough, you'll usually see one of us crack.

So . . . yeah. That's about all I have to say on the subject. Sorry I don't have an entertaining story to share.

Getting Better All the Time

Day Thirty-Four: Something that never fails to make you feel better.

It took me awhile to think of something that absolutely never fails to make me feel better, and I finally figured it out: my nieces and nephews. I'm not sure why it took me so long to remember that, but it is definitely the truth. Whenever I'm feeling down or stressed or blah, my nieces and nephews can usually pull me out of it. They're just so dang cute! They laugh and run around like maniacs and cry and basically just distract me from whatever it is that's weighing me down. I love those little ones more than pretty much anything else.

Another thing that can usually pull me out of a rut is music. If I can find a song that displays exactly how I am feeling, it does wonders for me, mostly because it's nice to know that somewhere out in the vast world, someone else has felt the same way I'm feeling. They felt it so strongly that they decided to turn it into art. That art was then bravely thrown into the universe and found its way to me. If someone that I have never even seen feels so strongly about an emotion to put it to music, it makes me feel a little better about my intense emotions.

Reading also makes me feel better. Or, if it doesn't actually make me feel better, than it makes me forget about whatever is going on in my life. I can lose myself in a good book and simply forget about all my issues. It's a fabulous escape.

Scaredy-Cat

Day Thirty-Three: Things that make you scared.

This can be a loaded question. Mostly because I have a tendency to be afraid of a lot of things. Growing up, I had major anxiety about pretty much everything. School stressed me out, church callings stressed me out, and sometimes social situations stressed me out. When I started driving, it mortified me. I was terrified of it. I didn't get more comfortable with it until I went to college.

As I've gotten older, I've gotten over a lot of that anxiety. I'm not quite as high-strung anymore. But there are things that still scare me. Spiders, for instance. Those nasty, eight-legged things freak me out. Heights also make me really nervous. I am also claustrophobic. Not debilitatingly so, but enough that I could go into a panic if I'm forced into a really small space. 

On a less concrete level, I am afraid of failure. I'm afraid of majorly screwing something important up, like something at work or a relationship. I'm also afraid of getting stuck. Stuck in a dead-end job, stuck in student housing, stuck in Provo. I want change, though that can be scary too. But change isn't as scary as being stagnant.

I'm also afraid of being alone. Not mortally afraid, mind you—if I'm single for a long time, I'll handle it. I'm strong, and I'll be okay. But it is a scary prospect. I don't want to be alone. I want to find someone to share my life with so I can start a family. I'd rather not be an old mom, if I can help it.

I can't think of many other things that really scare me. I'm sure there are others, but this will have to do now.

Personality Traits

Day Thirty-Two: Three things you are proud of about your personality.

This is kind of a weird question. It's not exactly something I've thought of. Does anyone, really? But I guess I'll give it a shot. (Yay, lists!)

1. My level-headedness. I'm pretty good at thinking clearly. Most of the time. 
2. My passion. When I care about something, I care about it a lot. It's a goofy quirk when it comes to things like bands and TV shows, but it's extreme loyalty when it comes to people.
3. My willingness to speak my mind. I'm not afraid to say what I'm thinking, especially if I feel strongly that it needs to be said.

And there you have it. Super exciting post, I know.

Concerts!

Day Thirty-One: The best things to happen to you this week.

This week has been a little blah. Even going back to last week. I just haven't really done anything, and I managed to get myself sick somehow. Well, for Valentine's, I did go to Cora's aunt's house and eat lots of pizza and watch the Grammys, since I hadn't seen the performances yet. That was pretty fun. And on Sunday, I got some one-on-one time with Der Junge. It wasn't for long, but it was something. He was acting more normal, which was good.

But the thing that I really want to write about, even though it didn't technically happen in the last week, was that I found out that the Civil Wars is coming to Salt Lake in May. And oh my freaking goodness, I am so bloody excited. I can't even express how excited I am. I bought tickets last Tuesday. I haven't been this excited about something in a really long time. I honestly just love this band so, so much, and I cannot wait to see them live. They're amazing and I just know it's going to be an awesome night. Concerts are my favorite, and I haven't been to one in a really long time. It will have been a year by then. That may not seem like a very long time to some, but I go to concerts frequently, especially when Sherwood is touring. I forgot how much I miss seeing bands live until I found out about the Civil Wars show.

And to remind you of why I am so extremely excited, here's another taste of the awesomeness of the Civil Wars.

p.s. They sound exactly the same live as they do on their album. Hence my excitement.

p.p.s. I'm in love with John Paul White.

The Perfect Date

Day Thirty: A date you would love to go on.

What's with all the dating questions lately? Good gracious.

So this is a hard one. I'm trying my best to think of something that is very me without being so specific that a guy would have to know me really well to plan it.

One that comes to mind is to go shooting. That may be because Der Junge brought it up once. A long time ago. He told me we should go sometime, and then never followed up on it. I'd really like to go, though, because I've never shot a gun before, and I'd like to learn how. I'd like someone to teach me how to shoot a gun so that maybe I wouldn't be so afraid of them anymore.

Another date that I think would be fun is paintballing. But not with the paintball guns. With balloons filled with paint, like in "10 Things I Hate About You." That looks like it would be a blast. It would be a good way to get to know each other and get out of my comfort zone a little bit. I always do best with activities that make me do things I don't normally do. It gets me to be a little bit more open.

And . . . that is all I can think of right now. If a guy takes me on the absolute perfect date sometime, I'll definitely post an update.

The Ex

Day Twenty-Nine: Things you want to say to an ex.

This is going to be a short post. Why? Because I've pretty much already said everything that needed to be said to my ex. I said it when we broke up, and that was that. I haven't spoken to him since, which is the way it should be. Things did not end well, and it was best for everyone involved to just cut everything off and call it done.

There was a time when I was really angry about what went down. When I say that things didn't end well, I really mean it. It was a terrible relationship. I was horribly immature about a lot of things, and he treated me like dirt. While I have come to realize that I could have been much smarter about how I handled some things, it is true that most of the issues in that relationship came from him. I did all that I could (and more than I should have) to keep things together, and he did absolutely nothing to help my efforts. He betrayed me in more ways than I can express. It was bad. So bad that it took me years to fully come to terms with what I had been through.

But I feel like I am finally past it. It's taken me a long time, but I have forgiven him for everything that he did to me. I have forgiven myself for a lot of things that I did. And I have moved on. Therefore, there is nothing left to say. It's in the past, and while it will still affect how I react to things in the future, it's done with. No point in dredging up past hurts.

Yikes.

Day Twenty-Eight: Your last kiss.

Truthfully? I don't remember when my last kiss was. I honestly don't. I think it was in March. Of 2007. Yeah. Thanks, blog challenge, for making me be brutally honest with myself and show all 15 people who read my blog just how lame I am. And how not exciting my last kiss was, since I can't even remember the events surrounding it. Not that it was exactly a good point in my relationship. I broke up with the guy a month later. So I guess it's understandable that I wouldn't really remember the details.

Though maybe I'm not lame. Maybe I'm just holding out for someone good. I don't really want my next kiss to be some noncommittal thing that doesn't mean anything. Though there are times when I think maybe that's what I want, I'm pretty sure I'm just fooling myself. I think I would feel terrible if I had a NCMO. I would feel guilty and I wouldn't like myself. That's just not the kind of person I am.

The next time I kiss someone, I will most likely be in a relationship with him. That's just how I roll. I'm not a super flirty girl who gets a lot of action. I never have been, and I don't see that changing any time soon. Physical contact with a guy scares me, actually. I have a really hard time breaking that touch barrier.  It's not that I don't like being touched—it just means something to me, which makes it more difficult for me to do it flippantly.

Well, I think that's enough embarrassing details about my life for now. Don't judge, mmkay?

Always the Same Thing

Day Twenty-Seven: Something you're currently worrying about.

I'm worrying about what I always seem to be worrying about: boys. If I don't have a guy, I worry about why I don't have a guy. If I have a crush, I worry about why he's not doing what I think he should be doing. If I have a legitimate prospect, I worry about what I'm supposed to do and whether I really want to date him.

I am currently doing the second. Der Junge is infuriating me. We hung out four Fridays in a row, with a few Saturdays and Sundays and various other days thrown in there. I was seeing him quite frequently. And then, suddenly, he stopped responding to my texts for a week. And then the first thing he did when he saw me next was give me a hug. Umm . . . hello, confusing.

I'm mostly just frustrated. I have done everything I'm supposed to do to show a guy that I'm interested: I've invited Der Junge to countless activities, shown interest when he says we should do something (though apparently I was supposed to nail down a date as soon as he offered), done one-on-one things, brought him medicine when he was sick. For the love of Pete, I have even asked this guy on a date. And sort of tricked him into another (see this post for reference). And tomorrow, I'm going to do the most girly of all girly dating tactics: take him cookies. Ugh.

That is what I'm worried about. I'm worried about finally hitting the point where it's obvious Der Junge isn't interested and I should just back off. I hate getting to that point. I hate conceding defeat. Especially when there have been so many good things to lead me to believe that there could be potential here. We work well together. Seriously, we do. I'm not just making that up. Which is what makes giving up so much harder.

This could be fun.

Day Twenty-Six: 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.

Yay for more lists! You know how much I love them.

Men

1. Douche-baggery. There is nothing quite as unattractive as a complete jerk. I don't care how cool a guy thinks he is—if he treats people (especially women) like crap, I will write him off in an instant, no matter how physically attractive he is.
2. No initative. It bugs the crap out of me when guys don't do anything for themselves, such as not asking girls on dates because they're afraid of girls or because they don't know what they want. You'll never get over a fear unless you face it, and you'll never start figuring out what you want if you don't start looking.
3. Flakiness. I hate it when people say they'll go to something and then don't show. Or when they say, "Hey, we should do this," and then never follow up on it.
4. Arrogance. If a guy thinks he's all that and a bag of chips, you can bet I won't.
5. Whininess. Especially when it comes to dating. I understand that dating is a pain—I whine about it too much, and I know that. But you're the guy! You have every opportunity in the world to make dating be the way you want it to be! If a guy is smart in how he pursues a girl, he has a decent chance of getting her. Girls don't have the same luxury. Girls who pursue guys are scary.

Women

1. Man-eaters. I seriously hate it when girls lead guys on. We're all doing the same thing in single Mormondom, and it's not fair to play with someone's emotions when they could be off trying to find a significant other elsewhere.
2. Contrived giddiness. I hate it when otherwise normal girls become the giggliest things in existence when a boy enters the room. 
3. Brainlessness. So many girls don't think before they do something, especially in regards to men, and it annoys the tar out of me.
4. Cattiness. I hate drama, especially of the female variety, because it usually revolves around some kind of perceived competition over a guy. I usually peace out when it gets to that point—if the guy wants me, he'll choose me. I shouldn't have to resort to cattiness to steal him from some other girl.
5. Fakeness. If a girl doesn't like me, chances are that I don't like her either, and there's no reason to fake it. I'm not saying we should be openly hostile—we should still be civil. But don't act like you're my best friend. Because you're not.

The Brunette Kind (usually)

Day Twenty-Five: What kind of person attracts you?

This could be asking what kind of people in general attract me, even just in friendships, but I'm going to talk about guys in particular. Because that's usually more fun to talk about. I guess I'll start with physical attributes. The guys that usually catch my attention first are brunettes. There's something about the tall, dark, and handsome type that is really attractive. That's not to say that I don't find blonds or redheads attractive at all—those are just usually not the guys who make me look twice.

I like broad shoulders, strong arms, and thick hands. I find myself very drawn to a guy's arms and hands, as weird as that might be. Well, it's not really weird for me, I guess. I have this thing for masculinity (as is evidenced by my giant crushes on David Boreanaz and Jack Bauer [the character, not Kiefer Sutherland—there's a big difference]), so I really like it when a guy has very masculine features. Skinny arms and slender hands really don't do it for me. 

In the vein of masculinity, I think it's really attractive when a guy is protective of the women in his life. Not crazy controlling protective—just a healthy dose of protectiveness. My brothers are very protective of me on occasion, and I think it's a nice show of their love for me. I like the idea of that in my significant other as well. 

A not-so-physical attribute that is really attractive is a sense of humor. If a guy doesn't understand the humor in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, that's a pretty good indication that we won't understand each other very well. I have a certain kind of snarky, sarcastic, dry humor that can be hard to catch sometimes. If a guy doesn't understand when I make a sarcastic remark, that's going to be a problem. And I'm a sucker for guys who make me laugh. 

I am also incredibly attracted to guys with musical talent. If a guy can serenade me while playing the guitar or the piano, I will melt at his feet. It's kind of ridiculous just how attractive it is.

I feel like what I've written so far makes me sound shallow, but I promise I'm not. Honestly, personality and a man's good nature will win me over even if I don't necessarily think he's attractive at first glance. I can't tell you how many times I've started crushing on a guy only after knowing him for a while because I discovered things that weren't apparent at first glance. If I can hold a really good, meaningful, one-on-one conversation with a guy, that will often be the start of a little crush. I definitely like discovering that I am compatible with someone and that we get along on a personal level. No amount of good looks or musical talent can gloss over a guy I'm not compatible with.

Not that weird, right?

Day Twenty-Four: Weird things you do when you're alone.

I don't know that I do a lot of weird things when I'm alone. The main thing I can think of is that sometimes I talk to myself, but I don't do it terribly often. Usually when something is really weighing on my mind and I need to work through things out loud in order to make sense of them.

I do have a tendency to sing really loud when I'm alone. I mean, I do that sometimes when people are around too, but I'm more likely to do it when I'm alone. I'll try to hit higher notes than I should, or I'll sing in a goofy voice. That's part of why driving alone in my car is fun sometimes. That's where I do my best singing, I think. That's also where I stretch my range because I'm not afraid of what anyone will think of me as I try to hit higher notes than I'm used to.

One more thing I do when I'm alone is daydream. Sort of. I'll go through fictional scenarios in my head and figure out how I would react to them if they happened in real life. I'll come up with complete conversations with whoever it is I'm interacting with in my head. Yeah, that's probably a little weird, and nothing ever works out the way I imagine it. None of the scenarios I come up with ever come to fruition. Which is probably a good thing.

It's always the hair.

Day Twenty-Three: A picture of you last year and how you have changed since then.

The obvious difference, as is usually the case, is my hair. Not only is it a good nine inches shorter now, but it is also currently a dark, burgundy red. Eventually I'll post a picture. Whenever I finally have the inclination to take one.

Sometimes I hate these kinds of questions. I honestly don't know what has changed. I'm still going to BYU basketball games (which is where this picture was taken), and I'm still living with Cora (who also has different-colored hair now). I still live in the same apartment and work for the same company. 

I think the biggest way I have changed since last year is my willingness to put myself out there. I have been a whole heck of a lot more social the past few months, and it has been really fun. I've made a lot of new friends, and I no longer feel isolated in my ward, which is a very good thing. I don't have something going on every night of the week or anything, but it's really nice to know that if I do want to do something different, there are a few people I can call on.

I think I've become a little bit more confident in the past year. I've done a lot of things the past little while that I definitely don't think I would have been able to do a year ago, like asking boys on dates and putting myself out there. It's been interesting, but I think it's been really good for me. Here's hoping that I can continue growing in this area over the next year.

Because I Can

Day Twenty-Two: Why are you doing this blog challenge?

The simple answer is that I want to blog more. My poor blog was looking very neglected for a while, and because I couldn't think of anything clever to write about, I found a blog challenge that would give me set topics. That's why. And . . . that's about all there is to it.

Good friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies.

Day Twenty-One: What you think of your friends.

I feel like this is kind of a weird question. If I didn't like my friends, they wouldn't be my friends, would they? But I guess I'll play along and elaborate a little bit.

I'll start with my girlfriends. I have some incredible girls in my life. I honestly do. They are always seeing what they can do for others, and I love having that example. They are incredible to talk to. We can have random, goofy discussions about really trivial things, and we can switch to a different mode and have really in-depth, valuable conversations about things that are meaningful to us. I get incredible advice when I talk to these girls, and I always feel better after discussing things with them.

I also have some incredible guy friends. They are worthy priesthood holders, and I see them at church every Sunday, which is such a cool thing when I sit down and think about it. I have a list of guys I could contact if I ever needed a blessing. I know that I can count on these guys to help me out if I am ever in need. I love that I have a contingent of guys I can talk to about sports, since my girlfriends don't really care. It's always fun to go to church on Sunday and have a guy come up to me specifically to ask what I thought of the game last night. I love that these are good, solid guys who are trying to do what's right.

However, I do get annoyed with a lot of these guys. Mostly because they're not asking girls on dates. Or because they're not asking the girls they hang out with on dates (including me). That gets frustrating. I'm not saying that every guy I hang out with has to be interested in me; that's not the case at all. But once in a while, it would be nice if they noticed the girls they spend most of their time with and changed things up a bit. It's fun to get to know someone one-on-one instead of always being in a group.

I really do have amazing people in my life right now. The other day I was talking to Cora about the evolution of my group of friends over the years. There were some people that I hung out with a couple of years ago that weren't the greatest of examples. Don't get me wrong—there was nothing wrong with them. They just didn't take the Honor Code terribly seriously, and that attitude permeated a lot of other things. I loved hanging out with them, for the most part, but I realized that I didn't particularly like who I was when I hung out with them. That isn't the case with the people I hang out with right now. I love who I am when I'm with them, and I love the things they bring out of me. I want to be better and do better when I'm around them. And I love that I have those kinds of influences in my life.

Dear Mom and Dad

Day Twenty: A letter to your parents.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you. For so, so many things. The older I get and the more people I meet, the more I recognize how normal, healthy, and happy my childhood was. I am part of a lucky few who can say with perfect certainty that their parents love each other and that they never once worried about an argument turning into a divorce. I never worried about the state of your marriage. There may have been arguments, but I knew that you would both figure out whatever was wrong and that our family would remain stable and whole.

Thank you for providing me with an incredibly stable home life growing up. I always knew that home was a safe place. It was a place where I was completely comfortable. Where I knew there would be people that I loved and who loved me in return. I could bring friends home and not worry about what their perceptions of me and my family would be. You were always the cool parents who treated all my friends the same. They all loved you for that.

Dad, thank you for showing me how my future husband should treat his wife. For showing me what it looks like for a worthy priesthood holder to serve faithfully in the church. For showing me how I want the future father of my children to treat his kids. For always being so completely willing to help me out with my car or with school or with my taxes or with anything else I ever need.

Mom, thank you for always, always being there for me. For listening to me whine and moan. For dealing with me when I was tired and stressed and not thinking clearly. For showing me how to be a good mom when I have my own kids. For showing me how to be a good and open person. For teaching me how to treat those around me with love and respect.

And most importantly, I thank you both for raising me in the Gospel. For teaching me that I have a Heavenly Father. That I have a Savior who died for me. That there is a Holy Ghost to prompt me and teach me. That there is a prophet on earth today to help guide me. Thank you for raising me with firm beliefs and standards. Thank you for ever and always being amazing examples of service, both inside the Church and outside it. For living what you preach. 

I can't adequately express how grateful I am that you are my parents and that I was sent to you. I love you so much. Thank you for everything.

Love,

Lindy

Mmmm, Zupas

Day Nineteen: Something you crave a lot.

I crave Zupas all. the. time. I feel like I've written a few blog posts about Zupas already, which should tell you all you need to know. In the winter, I want the soup. In the summer, I want the salad. And I always want the sandwiches. 

Unfortunately for my wallet, I live within five minutes of two separate Zupas locations. If I'm at home, I drive up the street and stop in at the Provo Zupas. If I'm driving home from work and the desire for Zupas hits me, I stop in at the Orem Zupas, which is all too convenient for me. And once that desire for Zupas hits me, there's no going back. I have to get it or I won't be able to get it out of my head for days. So, yeah, Zupas is a big deal. I love it.

Individuality

Day Eighteen: What makes you different than everyone else?

Well, one rather obvious thing that makes me different than at least other girls is that I absolutely love sports. Case in point: I am currently watching BYU play Gonzaga. I had been flipping back and forth between the BYU game and the Jazz game, until it became apparent that the Jazz were going to lose. And the BYU game was much more exciting. And I'm not just a casual fan—I am an avid fan. When I talk about games, I know what I'm talking about. I can't tell you how many times I've watched games with a bunch of dudes and have ended up explaining the rules or some other aspect of the game because I know more about it than they do. My father has taught me well. [Update: BYU kicked Gonzaga's trash all over the court. Such an awesome game. I wish I could have gone to the Marriott Center—it was rockin' tonight.]

Another thing that unfortunately sets me apart from a lot of people is my common sense. I am pretty level headed, and I do my best not to let my emotions run away with me. Granted, there are times when that doesn't work out so well, but I do my best. Especially when I'm around guys. I'm not one of those girls whose brain leaves her body as soon as boys enter the room. I don't turn into a brainless flirt. Then again, that seems to work for a lot of girls, so maybe I need to incorporate a little bit of that into my life. But only a little.

The last thing that makes me different is that I am a Mormon. Granted, in Provo, that doesn't make me different. That makes me normal. But when compared with the rest of the world, being Mormon makes me pretty weird. We are a peculiar people. We have peculiar beliefs. I believe in morality. In absolute right and wrong, in Truth with a capital T. In modern-day revelation. I believe that my life isn't mine to do with what I please. It has been given to me so I can learn to align my will with my Father's will. So that by doing His will, I will bless the lives of those around me and will in turn be blessed. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has blessed my life in a myriad of ways. There is no doubt in my mind that it is true.

My Catharsis

Day Seventeen: A picture of something that makes you happy.

These are five of my eleven completed journals. I just started my twelfth. Yes, I do have a ton of journals, and I love that I have a ton of journals. I also love that each one of my journals is much different than the others. I have goofy journals (like the Beatles one on top) that last me a month, and I have the more sophisticated, leather journals that last me up to a year. 

I have had multiple people tell me that buying journals is a waste of money. They say I should just buy cheap notebooks because they work just as well, or to type up my entries on my computer. But cheap notebooks fall apart and don't last. (That's why they're cheap.) And I don't want to type my journals. I've tried that before, and I don't like it. The act of writing, physically writing, in my journal is incredibly cathartic for me. It's a release. It's something I need everyday. I honestly sleep better when I write out my feelings before bed. It's kind of weird, but it's true.

I freely admit that I am a little obsessed with journals. I may have spent $70 on journals a couple of weeks ago. (It was worth it, I promise.) So seeing a pile of journals that I filled with my own hand makes me really happy. I love seeing that.